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WEDDING CEREMONY
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Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing but not the poor groom.
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DIAGNOSIS
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One day, a fellow complained to his friend.
"My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10. He figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
started making some noises and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labour." It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter's using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife's pregnant - twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And, if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
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Software Professional's Love Letter
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Dear Ms. Baby,
I saw you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realised that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time, I've been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you that never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You not only have a beautiful face, but all your Activex controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful that it ncourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you looked at me last evening, I felt all my program modules running smoothly and giving expected results, which I have never experienced before.
With this letter, I just want to convey that, if we linked together, I'll provide you with all the objects and libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall, which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them accept our marriage.
I anticipate that nobody is already logged into your database so that my connect script would fail. And it's all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
Only yours,
Software Professional.
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Bihari Essay
A essay was written by a Bihari Candidate in India
I hope, You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this : This is a true essay written by a Bihari candidate
at the Examinations.
The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:
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Indian Cow
HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, [ but will do so when he is got child.] He is sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [ horses dont have any such attachment]
What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth.Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species. Also his other motion.. gober] is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes[like Pizza ] , in hand , and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child.
This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies
We are informed that the candidate passed the exam.and is now an posted, in bihar.
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GOLDEN EGGS & THE POOR HEN !!!!
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Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep.
All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"
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This is life!
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God created the donkey And said to him. "You will be a donkey. You will work un-tringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, You will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years." The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years" God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him. "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years. You
will be a dog. The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years is to much, give me only 15 years." God granted his wish.
God created the monkey and said to him. "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years." The monkey answered: "To live 20 years is too mush, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish.
Finally God created man and said to him. "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years." Man responded: "Sir, I will be a man but to live 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused."
God granted man's wish.
And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, marries and spend 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children is grown, he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another tricks to amuse his grandchildren. That's Life. Is'nt it?
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Wedding Invitation
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Mrs. and Mr. Sambhar Chatni Request the pleasure of the company of
Mrs. & Mr. Idli On the occasion of the Marriage of their grandson,
SADA DOSA (Son of Mrs. & Mr. Masala Dosa) to PANI PURI
(Daughter of Mrs. & Mr. Bhel Puri) On 31st November 2004, at 7.00 p.m. at Dahi Wada Hall, Samosa Building, Cham Cham Road, Opposite Papad Theatre, Haldiram, Mumbai Rasgulla 400 000.
Res. : "Patni ka Chutni", Paneer Rd.
Chole Bhattura Avenue, Mumbai Dhokla-400 111.
Tel. *********
e-mail: loosemotions@s...
PS. NO GIFTS PLEASE ONLY PRESENTS.
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