7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah (in bible) was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."

 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."

 

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, "Then why are ALL of grandma's hairs white?"

 

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, she's dead."

 

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

TEACHER: Why are you late?
LJOHNY: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
LJOHNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
LJOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
LJOHNY: "KROKODAIL"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
LJOHNY: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
LJOHNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
LJOHNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered America?
LJOHNY: George!

TEACHER: Johny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
LJOHNY: Me!

TEACHER: Johny, why do you always get so dirty?
LJOHNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

LJOHNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me To write?
LJOHNY: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
LJOHNY: Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Johny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
LJOHNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Johny. Always say, "I am."
LJOHNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
LJohnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime."

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
LJohnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
LJohnny: Brotherly love.

Teacher: Now, Johny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
LJohnny : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Teacher: Johny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did u copy his?
LJohnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
LJohnny : A teacher

 


Why Indians don't need to fix a match:

Indians are honest people.
A bookie calls Hansie Cronje before the match between India and South Africa.
Cell phone rings. Hansie picks up.

Cronje : hello
Bookie : I am ....... Here.
Cronje : yes tell me

Bookie : how is the pitch
Cronje : ya dry and good for batting
Bookie : I want u to loose today's match

Cronje : impossible
Bookie : I will pay u $200,000
Cronje : will be difficult to make India win.

Bookie : I will pay u $250,000
Cronje : May be I could help you by reducing the margin... u tell by what margin we should win... will be much more easier

Bookie : no India should win
Cronje : OK. I will try my best
Bookie : no make it.
Cronje : OK.

Bookie : what will be the score
Cronje : 300, if we bat first
Bookie : no make it 220
Cronje : Impossible. Agarkar and Joshi are playing.

Bookie : 220 no change.
Cronje : I will try
Bookie : OK. If India bat first
Cronje : 180

Bookie : no make it 275
Cronje : no u are asking too much. Dravid is playing.
Bookie : OK make it $300,000

Cronje : This would be the toughest match in my life
Bookie : OK, deal is made.
Cronje : yes
Bookie : bye.

Match starts India bats first. India score only 220 in 50 overs. During the lunch break Hansie's cell rings.

Cronje : hello
Bookie : its me. why did India score only 220. Our deal was 275.
Cronje : What can I do ? They run one when they could run three, defend full toss, get out on wide balls, all catches and
shots...I mean, if there is any... exactly directed to the fielders. But I will tell you this, Indians are too good at this,I tried re-arranging the field...but they never miss a fielder.

Bookie : still u could bowl more no-balls. We got only 63 extras.
Cronje : I asked all my bowlers to bowl badly. I also made Kirsten and Gibbs bowl.
Bookie : Okay... leave that... I want u to loose the match.

Cronje : I will try.
Bookie : South Africa should be all out for 180
Cronje : OK.
Bookie : bye.

S. Africa bats. They are making a serious attempt to not hit the ball and if at all they hit trying their best to hit to the fielders. They try to run only singles for doubles. But sometimes, they can't stop themselves from running. All South African batsmen charged down to Joshi's bowling and they purposely miss the ball hoping at least one would hit the stumps. But they got to run a bye for that as Dighe is still searching for the ball. Inspite of the bad display of batting, they score 218 of 49 overs.

Last over, 3 runs required, the worst part is that its an Agarkar over. Hansie is batting with Strydom. Bookie gets really furious. Hansie is ready to face the last over his cell rings (he plays with his cell).

Cronje : hello
Bookie : its me. What are you upto ?
Cronje : We tried the best we could
Bookie : OK forget it. I want u to loose the match

Cronje : what can I do. Fate !!! Agarkar is bowling
Bookie : I don't know... u are loosing

Agarkar bowls... Hansie tries to hide his bat behind his back. But the ball hits the bat and goes to third man. So they take a single.

(cell rings)
Cronje : sorry what can I do I was hiding my bat but still the ball comes and hit my bat. If I play much worse than this
everybody will find out.

Bookie : (gets really tensed). OK I can understand. But please don't take last two run

Hansie talks to Strydom. Agarkar bowls... a juicy full toss. Strydom uses all his batting skills to restrict that one to a single. Scores are level (cell rings) .

Bookie : OK. Past is past. Atleast finish it in a tie. I don't know what u are going to do u are not taking a single or u
give u'r bat to the umpire.

Cronje : OK. OK. Don't worry this time I will see to it we are not taking the single. Let it be obvious also. I am not taking the single. Agarkar bowls, unfortunately he bowls a no ball. South Africa wins the match. Bookie goes mad and Hansie faints in the field itself.

Moral : Indians don't need to fix a match.

 

Men on earth die and go to heaven.

God comes and says," I want the men to form two queues - one line for the men who dominated their women, and the other one
for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk."

Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines.The line for the men who were dominated by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there is only one man.

God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates.

Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!

Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

 

Sardar Santa Singh is the english teacher in a school. He is very well known as all his students do very well in exams.
the classroom :


Santa Singh : "Bolo bachchon GADHA"
Students (in chorus) : "GADHA "

Santa Singh : "Bolo bachchon GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE GADHA"
Students (in chorus) : "GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE GADHA "

Santa Singh : "Bolo bachchon GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAIN"

Students (in chorus) :
"GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAIN"

Santa Singh : "Bolo bachchon GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE GADHA, GADHE KE PWECHHE MAIN AUR MERE PEECHHE SAARA DESH "

Students (in chorus) : "GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE MAIN AUR MERE PEECHHE SAARA DESH"

By this time the inspector is furious . He confronts the principal and shouts at him "What is this Santa Singh teaching the
students. He is supposed to be taking an english class and what he is saying is GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE GADHA, GADHE KE
PEECHHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH .

The principle too is shocked , Santa Singh the famous english teacher doing this. He immediately sends for for Santa Singh.

Principal : " Santa singh ji what nonsense are you telling these students, GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE GADHA, GADHE KE PEECHHE
MAIN AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH".

Santa Singh : " Yes I was saying all this in class, but I was only teaching the students the spellings of ASSASSINATION. "

ASS ASS I Nation

 

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."

The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"

The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really,really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"

 

One guy was selected as a Trainee Clerk to a private company and on the first day of work, he had to answer the phone for one for one of Phone Calls :

Caller : I'd like to talk to MR. Jones,

Clerk : He is not in his seat, call later.

Caller : I need to talk to some body else in the department;

Clerk : No body in the department, I told you to call later. ok?

Caller : Do you know who am I?

Clerk : No.!

Caller : I'm the Managing Director of the the company...;

Clerk : Do you know who am I?

Caller : No...!

Clerk : Thank GOD..!

He kept the phone.


 

Twins were born in sardarjis house, allnight he did not sleep thinking who is the father of the second child!!!!

 

Santa Singh saw a man pick pocketing a purse.
Thief: There is Rs 150 in the purse. We can take 50_50. Sardar slowly asked him,"what abt the balance 50"

 

Husband asks, Do u know the meaning of WIFE. It means...Without InformationFighting Evrytime! WIFE on hearing this says, it could also mean-With Idiot For Ever.

 

Santa Singh had called an Englishman for lunch. There was curd on the table.
The guest asked what is this?
Santa Singh didn't know English, he said "Milk sleeping in night, morning becomes tight"

 

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

 

Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it OK?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean OK, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

 

Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful ....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

 

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

 

Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.

 

wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

 

Woman: These men are really fools, you tell them something, they would listen with one ear and then pass it out from the another.
Man : It's still better, you tell something to a women, she would listen with both the ears and then pour it out through the mouth.

 

Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.

Banta Singh : Ok

Interviewer : Made in India

Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan

Interviewer : Good... Keep it Up

Banta Singh : Bad.... Put it Down

Interviewer : Maxi Mum

Banta Singh : Mini Dad

Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat

Banta Singh : Insufficient! Don't Take my seat

Interviewer : Idiot! Take your Seat

Banta Singh : Clever! Don't take my Seat

Interviewer : I say you get out!

Banta Singh : You didn't say I come in

Interviewer : I reject you!

Banta Singh : You Appoint me

Interviewer : ....!!!

 

:: FUNNY ::
 
 

spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a London Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an London office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a London secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES,
ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in London health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a London conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE
IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO
GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR
THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world:

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY
SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office,
Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED
HERE.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER.

 

Santa Sigh photographer focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function, suddenly all relatives beat him why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"

 

Santa Singh standing below a tube light with a open mouth................. WHY?
because his doctor advised him "Todays dinner should be light"

 

A dog was chasing Santa Singh and the Santa was laughing.
A bystander: why are u laughing?
Santa: I have an Airtel card but still Hutch network is following me.

 

Santa Singh & his wife buy coffee in a shop.
Santa says... Drink quickly......
Wife asks why...Santa Singh says hot coffee Rs5 and cold coffee Rs10

 

Santa Singh walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!" The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."

 

After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians.

One week later, the Indian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Indian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology .

 

Your Colleague: Hey!! Kya yahan baitha mail forward karta rahta hai yaar!! Naye packages dekh.... Naye language seekh. Night out Maar.... Fundoo programming kar like me... Do something cool man!!
You: Achha ! To usse Kya hoga.
Your Colleague: Impression!!! Appraisal!!! Har appraisal main tu No 1! Hike in salary!! Extra Stocks
You: Phir kya hoga...
Your Colleague: Project Leader ban jaayega..Phir Project Manager!!! Phir Business Manager! One day U will be a Director of the Company man!!
You: Acchha to phir kya hoga...
Your Colleague: Abe phir tu aish karega ! Koi kaam nahin karna padega!
Araam se office aayega aur MAGZENE padega.
You: To ab main kya kar raha hoon????
"Dikhawe pe na jao, apni akal lagao.
Programming hai waste, trust only copy-paste "

 

Three men were applying for the same job as a DETECTIVE. One was a Sardarji,one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?". The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him."The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man. Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview?". Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

 

 

Jasmeet Kaur watched her husband Santa Singh searching high and low, all over the living room. She asked him : "What are you so frantically searching?" Santa : "Hidden cameras!" Jasmeet : "And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?" Santa : "Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy on television saying 'You are watching the Star World channel'? "How can he know what I am watching?"

 

Banta Singh queuing behind his friend at an ATM Machine.
Friend: What are you looking at?
Banta Singh: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: All right, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Banta Singh: four asterisks!

 

BANTA SINGH'S MOTHER DIED.
Banta Singh: (crying) the doctor called, my mother is dead. Friend: condolence, my friend. After 2 minutes Banta Singh cries even louder Friend: what now? Banta Singh: my sister just called, her mother died too!

 

BANTA SINGH NEEDS VITAMINS FOR GRANDSON.
Banta Singh: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Banta Singh: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!


 

BANTA SINGH STUCK ON THE ELEVATOR.
Lotta Singh: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. because of a power failure.
Banta Singh: That's all right, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.


 


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